


Shrouded Blue Rose

by demonladys



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Dysphoria, Gen, Implied Relationships, Trans Female Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-05-13 01:37:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14739627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonladys/pseuds/demonladys
Summary: Sayo has a hard time opening up to others, especially about her own personal issues.





	1. Waves in the Mirror

**Author's Note:**

> trans!sayo, will add other notes later

Alone in her room, Sayo watched her skirt brush right above her knees as she slowly swung her hips between each end of the mirror. The pleats above shook with any sudden motions, but their shakes were gentle and flowed like waterfalls. She turned her body to the side, giving her a better view of the starlit black ribbon pinned onto her waist. She took one hand and adjusted the ribbon with her fingers, being careful not to mess up the knot. Silk sleeves with ruffles at the wrists made her arm movement feel much more sensitive; not restricted exactly, but that ‘I should be careful’ kind of feeling.

 _“Shirokane-san made this all on her own?”_ Impressive, Sayo thought. Developing the skills to craft such a beautiful dress must have taken Rinko years of practice and dedication. She was a bit envious, though appreciated the chance to wear something new. Something elegant and expressive, yet dark and relaxed. It wasn’t that Sayo had no interest in clothes. No, she would love to have Lisa’s fashion senses or Rinko’s sewing prowess. But she knew she wasn’t cut out for it, so her desire was buried under dedication. ‘Looking pretty’ became nothing more than a distraction in her eyes.

_“It’s such a pretty outfit, but…”_

To Sayo, the world was separated into four categories of people. One: people who were born naturally good at certain things. Two: people who could become equally good if not better through sheer dedication, hard work, and willpower. Three: people who were born naturally bad at certain things, and no amount of practice could undo that curse. And the saddest category, four: those who were born bad at something, but try with all their power to defy fate. When it came to guitar, Sayo placed herself in category two. She was sure she could become the best of the best if she put in the practice. For fashion, she knew she was in category three and never even tried to fight it.

 _“...Do I really deserve to wear this?”_ When it came to being a girl, Sayo was ashamed to place herself in category four. Normally, she avoided trying anything she knew she could never be good at. But for some reason, something within her defied reason. It was something that transcended skill or technique. Maybe it was a kind of self-honesty?

She lifted the long part of the skirt to get a full look at her boots. The laces were tied all the way past her knees. She lifted one foot up into the air, then stomped it on the ground. It felt powerful. Like those boots gave her a means to stand above anyone who dissuaded her. She let out a tiny giggle for only herself to hear. “Who knew an outfit could have this much power inside of it?” She had never been in a band that had matching outfits before. She expected that the outfits would bring the energy of teamwork out during performances. But to her surprise, something about it captured her even as she admired it alone.

As she delicately moved her hand up to her neck to fix the blue ribbon above her chest, she heard a knock at the door. “Sis! I wanna show you something cool!” Before she could tell her sister to go away, the door was wide open. Hina rushed in wearing a frilly light-blue dress that looked way more ‘magical girl’ than ‘guitarist.’

“Hina! I told you not to come into my room uninvited.”

“Sorry, sis! I just had to show you this, though!” She lifted her arms to her sides and turned around in a circle to show off her outfit, adorned with tiny blue ribbons all over. “Isn’t it cool? Aya-chan was talking about how the outfit makes her feel all boppidy! I don’t really get it, but she does all sorts of weird poses without any shame when she wears it. It must make her really excited!”

Sayo took a second to try to figure out what Hina just said, but gave up when she hit ‘boppidy.’ She shot a serious look at her, saying, “I don’t see the big deal. It’s just an idol costume.”

“Yeah, I don’t get it either. But Aya-chan loves it, and I love Aya-chan, so maybe I’ll figure it out someday!” Hina made a big grin, but it broke into a gasp once she glanced at Sayo’s dress. “Whoa, sis! That’s a really pretty dress! Where’d you get it?”

The question hit a nerve, but Sayo tried to hold in her frustration. “This is for our band. Our keyboardist made it to help us be more in sync. This isn’t like your band’s outfits. It represents the very heart of our music.”

“Whoa… that’s so cool! I wanna wear something like that, too!”

“No!” Sayo couldn’t hold back. Her serious look became more of an outright glare. “This is my outfit as a member of Roselia. You have no reason to wear it!”

“But-”

“Just because we’re twins doesn’t mean we need to match outfits. You have your band, I have mine. We don’t need to share anything.”

Hina’s voice went all the way down from cheerful to dejected. “Okay… sorry, sis.” She backed out of the room much slower than she entered, closing the door behind her.

Falling into her bed, Sayo remembered why she gets so snappy at Hina’s attitude with this kind of thing. _“She could pull off any look. Why does she have to copy mine?”_ Sayo always measured herself in comparison to her genius sister. Even if she lacked any desire to wear that frilly idol outfit, it hurt to see Hina wearing it. It was another reminder that she’d never be as cute or as pretty as her sister.

Even going to an all-girls school and wearing more feminine clothes didn’t increase Sayo’s confidence in her own appearance. Hina was born to be good at anything and everything, so of course, being a girl just came natural to her. Sayo felt like she could never compare. It didn’t help that Hina insisted on copying everything she did. Anytime she got a new interest, Hina would copy it and be instantly better at it. The same went for clothing. Whenever she tried out new clothes, Hina tried to match outfits with her, not even realizing that doing so broke Sayo’s spirit even further. Sayo felt awful whenever she looked in the mirror. She couldn’t stop herself from seeing how much cuter Hina would look in the same outfit.

Staring up at the sleeve on her left arm, she tried to imagine Hina wearing one of Rinko’s handmade Roselia outfits. It was surprisingly hard to come up with that image. If there was one thing Sayo appreciated about Hina joining Pastel*Palettes, it was that the idol band’s style couldn’t be further from Roselia’s. Even when she pictured Hina with a ponytail to make her seem more mature, that huge, carefree grin just didn’t suit the darker outfit. Hina wasn’t in Roselia, nor did she have the attitude to be. So it wouldn’t make sense for her to wear their outfit.

Sayo stood up and looked at her whole body in the mirror again, this time crossing her arms and smirking with confidence. “Hina isn’t invincible. And I am not weak. There’s some things only I can do.” As if channeling the power of her outfit, she felt a small victory which flipped on a renewed drive within her.

She took a few more minutes to admire the outfit, then grabbed her guitar from her bedside. “No matter what I wear, I can’t let myself get sidetracked.” Having a pretty outfit didn’t make Sayo good at guitar. Intense practice and devotion helped her develop musical skills that outshined even professional guitarists. “If I want to set myself apart, I have to keep working for it.” With her guitar pick tucked between her fingers, she strummed each string with fortitude.


	2. Unfamilliar Territory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayo has an awkward time at the mall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello this still exists. i wrote this chapter over half a year ago (shortly after the previous chapter was published) but edited it recently. trans!sayo. content warning for dysphoria/internalized transphobia? i'm not sure how to properly classify it but i hope that helps.

Sayo arrived at the mall a few minutes early. Sitting alone on a bench outside the entrance, she thought about all the ways she’d rather spend her time than wasting her day off on some pointless shopping excursion with the rest of the band. That could’ve easily been valuable practice time.

She saw Lisa approaching, holding onto Yukina’s arm. Lisa ran, dragging Yukina along, and called out, “Sayo, you’re here early!”

“Naturally, I would never arrive late to an engagement. Punctuality is important.”

“Oh yeah, you’re on the disciplinary committee, right? You must take being on time really seriously.”

“Of course. It’s important to be on time. If someone is late for class or an appointment, they’re wasting their own time and everyone else’s.” Sayo had dealt with her fair share of latecomers and goof-offs in previous bands. She thought it best to set an example for the others.

Lisa’s gaze trailed off curiously. “That’s right… I heard rumors of a girl at Hanasakigawa who would wait by the gate in the morning and round up tardy students for scolding. Could that have been you?” 

Yes, Sayo was well acquainted with the rumors that started when she worked morning duty in her first year on the committee. She didn’t think she was THAT harsh, at least not so harsh to deserve the nickname ‘Demon Gate Guard.’ She wanted her classmates and seniors to be more considerate of everyone else’s time. “I’d prefer not to get into that,” she says.

Yukina seemed to be tuning out the conversation, instead tapping on her phone. Sayo heard her own phone buzz from inside her bag. She pulled it from inside and clicked on the notification, a text from Yukina to the Roselia group chat, “Where are you guys?”

In an instant, a reply from Rinko showed up. “We’re already here. Sorry, I should’ve said so.”

Yukina replied, “Where at?”

“The game store.”

“We’ll meet up there.”

Sayo followed the other two. Once they reached the game store, they caught Ako and Rinko at the counter. They watched as a clerk shoved a fairly large plastic-sealed box into a shopping bag. Lisa promptly called out to them.

Joining up with the group, Ako laughed. “Sorry, we saw they had PC gaming headsets on sale and just had to buy pairs for both of us!”

Yukina put her hand on her face in thought. “PC gaming headsets? What is that?”

Ako struck a pose, crossing her arms in front of her face. Sayo knew by now that this meant she was about to spout some complete nonsense. Did she plan these speeches out, or was it just reflex? Shifting her tone, she laughed deviously. In a deeper, boastful voice, she preached, “What mortals call ‘headsets’... they are truly a dark relic of magic! With their power, no sound will go unnoticed by the dark necromancer of the abyss, Ako! Hear my shouts, pathetic beings of light! Boom!” At the end, she switched the pose, extending her palm as if pretending to shoot something out of her hand.

Sayo rolled her eyes and glanced toward Rinko. “What did she just say?”

“She means… these headsets have headphones and a microphone. So… you can voice chat with people while gaming…”

“Whoa, really?” Lisa’s surprise seemed exaggerated. Sayo wondered if it was really that impressive. Lisa always had that vibe about her, that she was trying too hard to seem interested in others.

“Yeah... it’s useful for team games. I’m always too shy to speak, though…”

Changing the subject, Lisa stepped between everyone. “Okay, since everyone is here, let’s decide what we want to do first!”

From the edge of her vision, Sayo noticed Yukina’s hand tug on Lisa’s arm. The songstress spoke up, with a more relaxed and casual tone than usual. “There is a movie I would like to see. Would anyone wish to join me?”

Ako’s hand shot up immediately. “Me, I wanna! What movie?!”

“It’s called ‘The Cat’s Journey.’”

Rinko chimed in, “Isn’t that the one… about the cat who travels through space…?”

Ako shouted, “Wow, that sounds so cool!”

Rinko flashed a faint smile. “I guess… I’ll join, too...”

“Sounds good! There was some shopping I wanted to do, so I’ll have to pass.” Lisa looked toward Sayo. “What about you, Sayo? Wanna see the movie, or would you rather join me?”

“I see no reason to be here instead of practicing or studying. Count me out on both accounts.”

“Aw, come on!” Lisa insisted, “Doing stuff together outside of practice helps our music flow together better, doesn’t it?”

Sayo wanted to argue against it, but Yukina nodded in agreement. Overruled. “...I’m not particularly interested in this movie, so I guess I’ll accompany Imai-san.” 

Lisa winked at Sayo and posed triumphantly with her hands on her hips. “Imai-san… “ Sayo released an annoyed sigh, quiet enough that Lisa wouldn’t hear.

***

Next to the theater was a shop that seemed to specialize in selling cuteness; plushies, scrunchies, hairpins, ribbons, frilly pens, and handbags with animal designs lined their shelves and tables. Exactly the kind of store Sayo imagined Lisa would shop at. She could picture her having to get one of every pen. She never imagined she’d be standing there herself. 

As she looked around at all the fluffy, pastel-colored stuffed animals, stress kicked in. She was sure that she was out of place. A girl like her and all this cutesy stuff don’t exactly mesh together. It was embarrassing. She remembered a few years back, the first time she got a blouse. It was light blue, similar to the one she was wearing right now. The clothes made her feel more comfortable, but being seen with them felt wrong. Like she was breaking an unspoken rule. In the end, she had to beg Hina to buy it for her, terrified that the cashier might mock her. It was the same thing at this store. She didn’t belong there, it was deviance.

From one aisle, Lisa called out, “Sayo, come check this out!”

Stiff and nervous, she stepped cautiously into the stuffed animals aisle and approached Lisa. She was pointing to the middle shelf, covered in plush dogs. Immediately she fixated on a beagle with fur made of different shades of dark blue fabric. It was at least the size of a pillow. Sayo gazed at it in adoration. She had a soft spot in her heart for dogs. Their carefree attitude and was endearing to her. She tried to resist smiling, but it was tough to keep the attitude up while surrounded by adorable plushies. The result was an awkward half-smile.

“Did you know Hina is in my class? We talk about you sometimes,” said Lisa.

“Is that so?” She wasn’t too surprised that someone else in Roselia knew her sister considering Hina went to the same school as Yukina and Lisa. But the thought of Lisa and Hina chatting about her during class irritated her. That shouldn’t have been any of their business.

“I can never figure out what to get you when I buy gifts for the band, so I ended up asking her. She said you like dogs, right?”

Sayo felt her cheeks redden a bit. “They’re okay, I suppose.”

Lisa giggled as if seeing right past her defenses. “Why don’t we get this for you, then?” She pointed again to the blue beagle, whose fabric was so soft that it was practically inviting Sayo to hold it.

Sayo deliberated on how to answer. One the one hand, she knew she’d be dropping her guard if she let Lisa do this for her. She tried to keep her personal life a secret hidden by the fortified walls of a cold attitude. Knowing how nosy Lisa could be when it came to helping, saying yes was a huge risk. But… that dog was so cute, so soft and warm. She imagined her face melting away into its fur after a long day of stress and hard work - how could she say no?

Sayo gave in to Lisa’s suggestion. Before checking out, Lisa convinced her to add a roll of matching dark blue ribbon and another roll of violet ribbon to the purchase.

“A ribbon would look so good with your hair!”

“Excuse me?”

“Your hair is long and pretty. If you tied it up in a ribbon, I bet that’d suit you!” Sayo couldn’t help but blush over the compliment, as much as she wanted to reject it or call it meaningless. 

With a shopping bag in hand, Sayo followed Lisa upstairs. Lisa was empty-handed. Suspicious. She wondered why Roselia’s local fashionista had taken such an interest in her. Did she do this for everyone, or did she know more than she let on about Sayo’s personal life? She could have even know that secret if Hina had said something. But despite their complex relationship, Sayo realized Hina would never share that kind of thing.

As if reading her thoughts, Lisa said, “I’ve actually wanted to take you out shopping for a while. You’re really pretty, I thought it might be nice to help you pick stuff out so you can show off your looks.”

“I don’t see the point in all of this. Why should I worry about my looks?” Despite her words, Sayo let herself blush. It was hard not to when a pretty girl like Lisa complimented her.

Lisa laughed off her remark and said, “That’s so like you to say, Sayo!” 

Sayo noticed that Lisa wasn’t intimidated by her attitude anymore, as if she’d realized that her typical stubbornness was mostly a front. She followed her into a clothing store and mentally prepared herself for whatever fashion lesson the bassist was about to give her. Her muscles tensed up as the unease came back, but she tried her best to resist. Trailing her through a dimly lit garden of shirt racks and pants shelves while trying to ignore the model mannequins on display, Sayo eventually found herself in a changing room with Lisa and a pile of dresses.

“Here, try this one on,” Lisa suggested.

Sayo felt her arms shaking as she received the outfit. She urged Lisa to wait outside. Once alone, Sayo calmed herself down and fit herself into a flowy dark blue dress. The skirt barely reached her knees. The top part was sleeveless and strapless, leaving her arms and shoulders fully exposed. She checked it out in the mirror. At first, she thought it looked nice, though she wasn’t used to wearing something so revealing. Then she realized how open it left her. Nothing was covering her bare shoulders. Her arms started shaking again. She thought, “It’s obvious, right? I’m done for if I walk out like this. Everyone would see that I’m not supposed to wear girl clothes.”

Her breathing got short, weak. She tried to look away from the mirror, but she felt dizzy. The shaking in her muscles was overwhelming. Her stomach felt like glass cracking before it shatters. She tried to imagine herself anywhere else. But all she could think about was how wrong she was for being the way she was, and how gross everyone else would find her if they found out.

Her spiraling anxiety was interrupted by a knock on the door. She heard Lisa’s voice. “Come on out so I can see!”

She tried to shout, “I can’t!”

“Huh?” There was a hesitation on Lisa’s end. ”Is something wrong, Sayo?”

She cracked the stall door open and peaked out at Lisa. “C-come inside.” Clutching the side of the dress, Sayo stepped backwards to give Lisa room.

Closing the door again, Lisa commented, “Oh, that looks really good on you!” 

Sayo shut her eyes and tried to forget about Lisa, the mall, and all the clothes she could never look good in. She stepped back a bit too much and felt her shoe land inside her bag and squish the plush dog.

“Sayo? What’s going on?”

“I…” She was scared. It wasn’t supposed to come to this, not with anyone in the band. Roselia was supposed to be a place where she could avoid facing the struggles of her personal life while improving herself as a guitarist. Motioning for Lisa to come closer, she took a deep breath. It was a struggle to make eye contact, but once she could manage for a few seconds, she spoke. Softly as she could, she explained the situation to Lisa.

***

“So that’s how it is, huh.” Lisa placed her hand over her mouth, clearly still processing Sayo’s explanation.

Sayo sighed, relieved by a reaction that’s more indifferent than hostile. “Please do not tell anyone else.”

Removing her hand and giving a reassuring smile, Lisa replied, “Oh, don’t worry! I don’t think anyone else in the band would care much, but I won’t say anything.” Lisa turned to the dress pile in the corner of the stall and started sorting through them. “I never would have known if you didn’t tell me, since you’re so pretty.” Sayo’s eyes narrowed to give Lisa an annoyed look. Despite this, she was happy to hear that. Lisa seemed to not notice while she rummaged through the pile. “If you ask me, anyone who wants to look cute or pretty shouldn’t be judged for it.”

Sayo shut her eyes and sighed, intentionally loud enough for Lisa to hear.

“Ah, was that wrong? Sorry, I don’t really know much about this stuff.”

Opening her eyes, Sayo spoke in a hesitant tone. “It’s… a lot more complicated. I don’t think I can explain it.” She let a faint smile slip as she continued, “But you’ve got the right spirit. Thank you, Imai-san.”

Lisa giggled before handing Sayo a light blue blouse and a black skirt from the pile. “You know, Sayo…”

“Hm?”

Lisa stepped backward a bit. Suddenly her voice was bashful. “I have a secret of my own.”

“Imai-san? Why are you telling me this?”

“You trusted me with your’s. I want to entrust you with mine, too.”

Sayo grumbled, “Fine.” Guess there was no keeping her personal life away from her bandmates now.

Lisa leaned forward and whispered to Sayo, “Don’t tell anyone else, but… I’m in love with Yukina.”

Sayo was only a little bit surprised. “Oh, I see.” She had already figured Lisa initially joined Roselia just to be near Yukina, but she hadn’t realized the extent of her affection. She wanted to tell Lisa to make sure their relationship wouldn’t hinder the band moving forward, but she wasn’t in any position to scold her.

Lisa backed away again and grinned. “I guess neither of us are the way the world wants us to be. If you ever need anything, I’ve got your back, okay?”

“Thank you, Imai-san.” Sayo felt at ease. Though she still didn’t want her personal life interfering, she was glad things turned out this way. And for a second, she considered that maybe she didn’t mind shopping with Lisa.


End file.
